The Holidays Today
In a nation of the families of divorce and remarriage--- over 50%
The story of the holidays has changed.
No longer is it the Norman Rockwell picture of the family: mom, dad, the kids and grandparents, sitting around the table.
Today over half of our children come from divorced families.
Celebrations will be with either one parent or the other.
Tables bountiful many also are laden with uneasiness.
Stepparent, biological parent, child and stepchild may twist in their chairs trying to feel “normal” together.
Today’s divorced and stepfamilies families are the norm. Just, most of them don’t know how to create “normal.”
Some kids are not thankful. Many even dread the holidays, and act with distance or even rudeness.
The wounds of divorce can tear open at holidays.
Over half of our children live in divorced families, with only one parent present.
Many live in stepfamilies.
Yet, the holidays are portrayed as “ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY” Celebration.
Why we are all acting up, not talking, being rude at this special time?
Because we want it to be what it is not: that biologically, blood related family.
Stepfamilies are just not “Cool,“ yet.
So, let’s just change it! Parents, teachers, preachers, kids, how about making the stepfamily “normal.” It is the norm now.
Let’s make it “cool” to be with some people you like, and some people you don’t like
And, “just deal.”
Divorced and re-coupled families are the majority.
Acknowledge that the family is the way it is.
There are a few more or less people. Parent(s) set some guidelines: some forms norms, manners and expected behaviors. We can’t expect the old rules to work in this new scene.
10 tips MAKING THE HOLIDAYS WORK:
1. Plan, Plan, Plan.
Good co-parenting means that ex have holiday times planned well in advance
2. Pick Up And Delivery is pleasant.
3. If There Is A Stepparent Work out carefully with him/or her the arrangements, anticipated behaviors, dress, chores etc
3. Expectations Roles And Responsibilities Of the children and grown ups.
4. Manners, Forms And Norms are described and agreed to by the parent(s), stepparent and children
5. Civility. Exes act respectfully toward each other. It only hurts the children
7. All The Children Help With The Festivities,
e.g., set the table, arrange flowers, buy flowers for the cook, and help pick out desserts.
8.Parent Is Not An Entertainment Center Watch your parenting. Just say “No.” Smile no discussions about rules.
9. Say Thank You to the cooks, grand parents, the mom, the dad, and the stepmom/dad and to the kids for pulling it all together and making it a blessed day.
10. Have Fun
The Stepfamily Foundation Inc. is a not for profit, formed in 1975 to inform and counsel those who live in re-coupled families. Counseling is done on the telephone worldwide and in person in New York City and the East End of Long Island . It also conducts Certification Seminars for Professionals, Coaches, clergy and Attorneys.
Jeannette Lofas,PhD, LCSW President and Founder, comes from 15 Years of on air TV news She has written six books. She has won a presidential award for her work.
Lofas is licensed social worker and a certified mediator. She is a member of such organizations as The Association for Family Conflict and Conciliation, The Center for Family and Divorce Mediation and The New York State Council on Divorce Mediation.